Seto to the Rescue!
by crazydominodragongirl
Summary: When Isis is kidnapped and Malik "unable to help", a plot by a couple crazy authoresses makes Seto the one who has to rescue her... of course, chaos follows him every step of the way!
1. Damsel in Distress

The characters are DEFINITELY OC, since it wouldn't be as much fun if they weren't.  Hmm… new character in there… guess who?  I also plan to have a few more guest appearances.  There's some Seto/Isis, but not as much as you might expect… just DG ranting on about their love while everyone else is like, "Yeah, right… whatever…" Malik-bashing, too!  Sorry, I couldn't help it.  I like him, but he's just so much fun to tease and torture.  *ducks tomatoes*  Eep!  He's my second-favorite character, really!  I wasn't originally going to post this, but at the insistence of HK…

Disclaimer: If I owned Yu-Gi-Oh!, this would be a movie.  I only own myself.

Key:

"Normal speech"

'Thoughts' 

/Ryou to Bakura/

//Bakura to Ryou//

\Yugi to Yami\

\\Yami to Yugi\\

Seto to the Rescue! Chapter 1

 A Damsel in Distress

BEEP!  BEEP!

            DG hit the button to stop the alarm, then looked up at the giant computer screen and the message box that it showed.  A grin slowly spread over her face.  "About time," she muttered, before yelling at the top of her lungs.

            "MALIK!!!"

            "What?" The Egyptian boy entered the room.  He looked at the computer screen and yelled, "SHE'S BEEN WHAT?!?" before heading out the door, or at least trying to.

            Malik glared at DG, who was hanging on to his sleeve.  "Let me go!"

            "I don't have to.  You're officially my captive."

            "WHAT!  You can't do that!"

            DG grinned evilly.  "Of course I can.  I'm the authoress.  Nothing really bad will happen."

            "It already HAS!!"

            "Whatever.  I've got work to do, so I'll have to tie you up."  DG pulled a length of rope out of thin air and had Malik tied up in a few minutes.  "There.  Now, to make sure you don't contact anyone, I'll need this."  With that, she pulled the Millennium Rod out from his belt.

            "Hey!  Give that back!"

            "Not until this fanfic's over," she said, whacking him on the head with the Rod.  "I'm leaving now, so stay out of trouble!"  She disappeared, Millennium Rod and all, leaving Malik muttering to himself.

            " 'Stay out of trouble,' she says.  She's got me tied up in her very own authoress realm, and still she tells me to be good!  And I know she's always wanted the Rod, but she didn't have to steal it!"

            DG's voice floated in from nowhere.  "Yes I did.  Be nice or I won't ever give the Rod back!"

            "No you didn't!  And you'll never give it back, anyway!"

            ".... yeah, that's true.  But I would've given it back when 'never' ends!"

            "Yeah, whatever!" Malik waited for a reply, but none came.  "I WILL get the Millennium Rod back from that brat," he grumbled, narrowly missing being hit on the head by a falling coconut.  He winced.  "NEVER insult an authoress in her own realm…"

            In Domino City, DG was fingering her new toy.  "Gotta work on my aim," she commented, before heading to the Domino City Café.

^_________________________________________________________________________________^

            Seto Kaiba was having quite an enjoyable meal.  He was just considering which of his employees to fire when the door to the café swung open and a familiar-looking black-haired girl barged in.  Looking up, Seto groaned and went back to his sandwich.

            "Hiya, Seto!" the girl chirped happily.  When that got no answer, she shrugged.  "Nice to see you, too!"

            "What do you want, DG?"

            "Your whole deck?"

            Seto raised an eyebrow. "...no.  What do you really want?"

            "Well, um, I hate to tell you this, but…" DG couldn't keep the grin off her face.  "Isis has been kidnapped!!"

            Seto took a sip of his coffee.  "Yeah, so?"

            "You need to rescue her!  Malik has been… um… *cough cough* …restrained… from helping her."

            "What about Yugi and his friends?"

            "It's Yami's birthday, so they're all busy thinking up ways to torture Bakura."

            "Hmm…" Seto was thinking up ways to get rid of this little pest himself.  "Can't it wait until AFTER my lunch break?"

            "Noo…  see, it's like this.  Isis is a damsel in distress, and you're the prince to rescue her!" Seto fell over at this, (_'does she expect us to get married and ride away into the sunset if I save her?') _but DG put on a pleading look and her best puppy-dog eyes.  "Please Seto?  Who knows what they might be doing to poor Isis!"

            The CEO of Kaiba-Corp tried to ignore the puppy-dog eyes, but being compared to a prince appealed to him.  _'Hmm… is Isis pretty enough to rescue, or not?  Run out and save her, or let her be tortured?'_  With that, his mind was made up.  Standing, he grumbled, "Fine, I'll rescue her," and jogged out of the café.  Once outside, he slowed to a walk and bit his sandwich again.  "But first… lunch!"

            Grinning, DG stood up and walked to the café door.  "Stage one complete.  Now, might as well sit back and enjoy the show!"  With that, she disappeared back into her realm, leaving behind a puzzled waitress who had been about to take her order.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Review!  Please?  *gives puppy-dog eyes* And no flames!  It hasn't even gotten to the fun part yet!  I'll probably be able to update this fic once a week, since I've already finished the story and just have to type up the chapters.


	2. The Compass of Love

DG: This chapter's VERY weird.  I sort of got some ideas from that Yu Yu Hakusho episode where everyone's off to rescue the ice apparition Yukina, and Kuwabara's fallen in love with her.

Disclaimer: If I owned Yu-Gi-Oh!, there would be twenty more Millennium Items, all of which would belong to me.  Do you see a Millennium Flamethrower anywhere?  What about the Dagger?  No, I thought not.

Malik: As a quick summary… no, she doesn't own it.  Good, because that means she doesn't own Ryou and me.

Ryou: *shudders* That would be a nightmare, being owned by someone as crazy as DG.  She owns herself, by the way.

Key:

"Normal speech"

'Thoughts' 

/Ryou to Bakura/

//Bakura to Ryou//

\Yugi to Yami\

\\Yami to Yugi\\

Seto to the Rescue! Chapter 2

The Compass of Love

Walking back into her realm, DG found Malik untied and surrounded by heaps of coconuts.  She frowned.  "You're smarter than I thought, freeing yourself… but didn't you expect punishment?  And is my aim REALLY that bad?  I expected at least one of those to hit you."

Malik glared at DG, rubbing a bump on the side of his head.  "One did."

DG snapped her fingers, and the coconuts disappeared, to be replaced by multi-colored rabbits that ran off in all directions.  Malik stared at them, and DG grinned.  "Authoress powers.  C'mon, let's go to the TV room."  Grabbing his wrist, she dragged Malik to another part of her realm.  He reluctantly followed, knowing well that she could make the computer turn into a TV when she wanted.

Malik got a surprise when they entered the TV room and the big-screen plasma TV already showed Seto, wandering around as he ate his lunch.  A small map in the corner showed his progress and where Isis was located, but most annoying of all was the fact that there was a tape in the VCR and it was recording.  He glared accusingly at DG.  "You planned this, didn't you?"

She regarded him innocently.  "So what if I did?  It'll make for nice blackmail later."

"Riight…" Malik glanced at the map.  "You didn't tell him which way to go, did you?"

Little hearts and a pink background appeared around DG.  "No, but his heart will tell him which way to go!  His love for Isis will lead him to her, like a compass!"

Malik snickered. "Then please tell me why he's going in the completely wrong direction?"

DG glanced at the map, then did a double take.  "Holy… you're right!"  Grabbing the Millennium Rod, she yelled, "Seto, you idiot, turn around!  You're going in the wrong direction!"

Seto glanced up, then turned completely around.  "NOW you tell me," he grumbled.  "All that walking for nothing?  And since when have you had the Millennium Rod?"

Malik caught hold of the Rod just long enough to yell, "Since she stole it from me!" before DG yanked it back.  "Actually, you're only about a hundred yards from where I left you," she told him, then paused.  "Don't get lost!"  With that, she broke the mental connection.

Seto stood still for a few moments, then, shaking his head, he mumbled, "How does she know all this stuff?  And if she knows where Isis is, why doesn't she rescue her herself?  And I thought she said Malik was 'restrained from helping'?"  He shrugged and started walking again, this time in the right direction.

^_____________________________________________________________________________________________^

DG turned to Malik.  "You wanna see how Isis is doing?"

He shrugged.  "As long as she's not being hurt."

"She isn't," DG assured him, pulling the Magic Authoress Remote out of thin air and changing the channel.  The screen switched to total darkness before a scream rent through the air.

DG blinked as a vampire appeared on screen.  "Oops, wrong channel.  Must be Domino Theater and that new horror flick."  Malik glared at the authoress, and she grinned.  "Now, what IS Isis up to?"

^_____________________________________________________________________________________________^

            Isis stared curiously at her kidnappers.  She was tied to a chair, and asked the closest man, "Just what exactly is going on?

He shrugged.  "I don't know.  The girl who hired us just asked us to kidnap you and muttered something about love and a rescue.  She also told us to give you anything you want, short of freeing you or helping others free you."

Isis considered this for a moment, then asked, "So, if I asked you for Duel Monsters booster packs from the Turtle Game Shop, you would get them for me?"

"Sure," he answered, heading for the door.  He paused for a moment.  "Um, just one question."

"What?" Isis asked.

"Just where exactly IS the Turtle Game Shop?"

Nearly everyone in the room fell over.  Isis would've, but it was the tiniest bit hard, considering she was tied to a chair.  "Just look it up in the Yellow Pages or something!"

"Okay," her kidnapper answered, leaving.  Isis called after him, "I'd also like a glass of lemonade, with ice and a straw, and a new watch, too, please!  And could you untie me?  These ropes are cutting off circulation, you know!"

As another man bent to the task, he muttered, "This better be worth it.  We don't usually work for little teenagers who know nothing about breaking the law."

DG's voice appeared in his head.  "I heard that!  And I know plenty about breaking the law!  I do it all the time!"

The man rolled his eyes.  "Whatever.  As long as I get my payment!"

The authoress' voice was sticky-sweet.  "Only if you're very, very good."

^_____________________________________________________________________________________________^

            DG leaned back on the sofa that had mysteriously appeared in front of the TV.  "Stage 1.5 complete."

Malik raised an eyebrow. "1.5?"

"I didn't expect Seto to get lost."

"Oh."  Malik sat down too.  "So stage two is when he rescues my sister?"

"No…"

"Then what is it?"

DG smiled.  "You'll see."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please review!  No flames!


	3. Painful Falling Coconuts

DG: Chapter three!  And now, we finally meet another character, since they all can't be plotting against Bakura, can they?  Especially not Bakura!  Ever tried to plot against yourself?  It's kinda hard.  My favorite character finally makes his appearance!

Disclaimer:  You say it, Malik, since you seem to know it so well.

Malik:  DG doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh!  She doesn't even technically own the Millennium Rod; only in here, because she stole it from me.  She only owns herself.

Key:

"Normal speech"

'Thoughts' 

/Ryou to Bakura/

//Bakura to Ryou//

\Yugi to Yami\

\\Yami to Yugi\\

Seto to the Rescue!  Chapter 3

Painful Falling Coconuts

Ryou Bakura was walking along the sidewalk, for lack of a better thing to do.  He hadn't been able to go to Yami's birthday party, since his yami would probably hear their torture plans if he went.

Ryou suddenly noticed that he recognized the person he was following, Seto Kaiba.  "What are you doing here?"

Seto turned around.  "Rescuing Isis.  DG says she's been kidnapped."

Ryou's eyes widened.  "Isis has been kidnapped?  Then hurry and rescue her!" He paused.  "On second thought, if DG told you this…" He was about to continue with "Isis probably hasn't been kidnapped or DG organized it," when her voice appeared in his head.

"Ryou, don't say anything, or I swear you'll find out about my painful falling coconuts the same way Malik did!"

Malik's voice chimed in.  "And my way WAS… painful…"

"I already said that, baka!" followed by the sound of someone being hit by a long, blunt object.  Ryou winced, and DG commented, "The Millennium Rod is very useful, isn't it?"

"Don't call me that!  I'm older than you!" Malik yelled.

"BE QUIET!" DG yelled back, and summoned one of her infamous falling coconuts, which abruptly bonked Malik on the head.  An image popped into Ryou's mind of DG, holding the Millennium Rod high in triumph and standing over Malik, who had little X's for eyes and was apparently knocked out for the time being.  In the background, an unbroken coconut rolled away, and Ryou blinked.  _'I could swear that thing is grinning evilly…'_

Ryou turned to Seto, who had a slightly puzzled look on his face.  Apparently, DG hadn't been talking to him.  "Since when has DG had the Millennium Rod?"

The look on Seto's face cleared.  "Malik says she stole it from him."

"Oh…" Another image popped into Ryou's head, this time of DG trying to revive Malik.  A bucket of ice water was dumped over his head.  When that didn't wake him up, she shrugged and got a bucket of boiling water.  This time, Malik screamed and started running, only to slip on the ice from earlier.  He frantically tried to cool down using some of the ice on the floor, and DG grinned.

"And THAT is why I prefer using hot water to cold!" she said.  Ryou sweatdropped and shook his head.  _'That girl is INSANE!'_

Kaiba had received the image too, and by the look on his face, he agreed.

"What?  It's much more effective!" DG protested, still grinning.  A coconut fell behind her, hitting Malik, who had been trying to sneak up on her and steal the Rod.

"Don't tell him anything," she added, this time only to Ryou.  "If you do, I won't give the Millennium Rod back, and he'll hate you forever!"  Malik glared at the authoress, rubbing the new bump on his head.

That reminded Ryou of the situation at hand.  "Shouldn't you go rescue Isis now?" he asked.  "I mean, you've wasted enough time already…"

Much to Ryou's (and DG and Malik's) relief, Seto grumbled, "Yeah, whatever," and walked away, not even bothering to say goodbye.

^_____________________________________________________________________________________________^

Malik looked at DG.  "And to think, you want my sister to like this guy."

She shrugged.  "He may have an attitude problem, and he may want to ignore his feelings, but I know, deep down…" she grinned.  "He likes her!"

Malik rolled his eyes.  "Yeah, REALLY deep down."  He yelped as a coconut appeared and hovered over his head.  DG snickered.  "Be nice, Malik…"

Luckily, the Malik-torture was interrupted by a VERY loud voice.  "Seiyaryu, Kuriboh!  Kuriboh, Seiyaryu!"

DG looked up.  "Oh, there goes the doorbell.  It's probably Ryou."

"Seiyaryu, Kuriboh!  Kuriboh, Seiyaryu!"

Malik raised an eyebrow.  "THAT'S your doorbell?"

"Seiyaryu, Kuriboh!  Kuriboh, Seiyaryu!"

"Yeah, so?  What's wrong with having a doorbell yell out the names of your favorite Duel Monsters?"

Malik was about to reply when the doorbell interrupted him.  "Answer me already!"

"I will!  Just wait a moment and be quiet!"  DG screamed back.

"I've BEEN waiting!"

"Shut up or I'll smash you!"

"Fine!  Be that way!" her doorbell yelled.  Grumbling, it sang, "Seiyaryu sucks!  Kuriboh sucks!"

At that, a gigantic anime mallet appeared in DG's hand.  "I'm warning you…"

The doorbell was silent.  DG went to open the door to her realm, leaving Malik standing there.

"Hey!  Aren't you going to get rid of this?  DG!" he cried, pointing to the coconut hovering over his head.

There was no answer.  Malik groaned and started walking to where DG had disappeared.

That's when he discovered that the coconut followed him.

DG walked back in with Ryou, only to find Malik running around in circles.  "What are you-" she began, then stopped and started giggling as she realized that Malik was trying to outrun the coconut floating over his head.  Unfortunately, he wasn't succeeding.

Ryou stared at Malik.  "What's that?"

Malik pointed upwards, and the coconut bumped into his finger.  "This?  It's DG's warped idea of fun."  He walked over to DG and Ryou, the coconut bobbing over his head.

DG laughed, and the coconut just touched the tip of Malik's hair.  "There are other ways to get rid of it, you know, other than just running around…" This time, the coconut lightly hit Malik's head, and the Egyptian snapped.

"Go away!" he yelled, hitting the fruit.  The coconut flew away from his head before hitting a wall.  Forming an evil grin, it bounced back and hit Malik on the head.

Grinning, DG bent down over Malik.  "Next time, you could just ask me, or be really nice!" Turning back to the TV screen, she said, "Now, I wonder how Seto's doing…"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DG: This is going to be fun…  the next chapter's titled Crazy Authoress Friends, and for a reason!  And Malik is now officially an baka!  Sorry, but I couldn't help it.  And I know the boiling-water thing was kinda mean, but he didn't really get hurt.  It was just in there as a way to annoy him.  Hey, he's an anime character.  Do something to them, they scream, and then they're perfectly all right two minutes later.  Please review, or I'll use the Millennium Rod on you, and Malik's never going to get it back!  And no flames, or I'll steal the Ring, too!


	4. Crazy Authoress Friends

Chapter four and the appearance of one of my friends!  This part's mostly about what's happening to Seto, since that's where most of the fun part takes place.

Ryou: DG doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh! and Hikage Kitsune owns herself.  DG owns herself too.

Malik: Hey!  I do the disclaimer!

Key:

"Normal speech"

'Thoughts' 

/Ryou to Bakura/

//Bakura to Ryou//

\Yugi to Yami\

\\Yami to Yugi\\

Seto to the Rescue!  Chapter 4

Crazy Authoress Friends

(*HK grins evilly and does peace sign*)

Unaware of the crazy events taking place in The Demented Realm of the Insane Authoress DG (™ and copyright ME, crazydominodragongirl, 2003.  All rights reserved, patent pending), Seto was heading in the general direction of Isis.

And when I say general, I mean general.  If he kept going that way, he would end up a couple hundred miles from her, give or take a few yards.  Luckily, help was about to come to our lost (and doubtful) hero.

For the past few minutes, Seto had the uneasy feeling of being stalked.  Not stalked by just any person, but a deranged one.  Possibly as crazy as DG, if such a thing was possible.

There it was again.  Seto turned quickly around, but there was no one there.

He reached an intersection, still wary.  Seto looked around, but there didn't seem to be anyone dangerous around.

Reaching the other side of the street, the feeling that he was being watched increased.  It was really creeping him out now, and the hairs on the back of his neck were standing on end.  He glanced around, ever cautious… still no one.  Yet someone was there, following him, but where?  Where was-

*Poke, poke*

Seto turned around as someone poked him on the shoulder.  It was a girl about DG's age (I'm thirteen BTW), with long, black hair tied back into a ponytail.  She had brown eyes and a huge sugar-high grin plastered on her face.

When he saw her, she began to jump up and down and wave crazily, and her grin grew even wider.  "Hiiiii!!!"

Seto sweatdropped.  "Who are you?"  So this was his stalker.  She was almost as crazy as he had expected.

"I'm Hikage Kitsune, but you can call me HK!" she cried, still bouncing.  "It's nice to meet you, Seto-kun!"

More sweatdrops and a tick mark appeared on Seto's face.  _'She's crazy!'_ "You're one of that crazy authoress' friends, aren't you?"

"Yup!" HK finally stopped her annoying bouncing.  "DG told me to help you in your quest to find your kidnapped love!"  Her eyes became little pink hearts.  "That's SOOO sweet!"

If people's THOUGHTS could kill…  _'That little idiot!  I'll kill her!  She forced me to rescue Isis, and now she's siccing her crazy blabbering friends on me!'_

Of course, HK was unaware of what Seto was thinking.  Walking behind him, she started pushing him along the sidewalk.  "C'mon!  We've gotta rescue Isis!"

"HK!  You're going the wrong way!"  DG yelled in her friend's head.

"No I'm not!  I know where she is, thank you!"

"No you don't!"  The Eye of Horus appeared on HK's head, and she mechanically turned around and started pushing Seto the right way.

"The Millennium Rod is so useful," she commented, still under DG's control.  Seto shuddered.

"All right, all right!" Seto snapped.  "I know which way to go!"

DG broke her hold on HK.  "No you don't," HK protested.  "Be nice!  I think YOU know about DG's falling and floating coconuts."

Seto started to complain, but HK silenced him.  "Point him in the right direction," DG instructed.  "A bit left, no, right more, one degree west… perfect!"

"All right!" HK chirped, pushing Seto in the right direction.  "Keep going this way!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ten miles later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seto stared at HK.  "How much further?"

"I don't know," she replied, still hyper.

_'How can she still be sugar-high?'_ Seto wondered. _'It's been two hours!'_ It was then that he noticed HK pull a chocolate bar out of thin air.  She saw him staring at her and grinned.

"DG's letting me have candy from her secret stash," she said happily.  "And this is where I leave you!"

_'What is this?'_ Seto wondered. _'Some sort of anime rescue adventure?'_  He didn't get to ask, since HK was already opening the portal into DG's realm.

"Keep going straight ahead," she said.  "Good luck!" With that, she was gone.

Seto sighed and turned around, then blinked.  He was right in front of a highway.

"Oh well," he muttered.  "Just have to cross it…" He started running across, not noticing the speeding truck closing the distance between them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DG: Mwahahahahaha!  Cliffhanger!

Seto: Why me?  WHY????

DG: ^_^ 'Cuz I have no one else to bash!  Review!  No flames!  Don't you want to see what happens next?


	5. Pixies and Fairies and Flying Elves, Oh ...

Disclaimer: I own nothing that appears in this chapter.  Not YGO, not Legolas, not LOTR, not HK, and not… oh wait, I guess that's it for this chapter.

Key:

"Normal speech"

'Thoughts' 

/Ryou to Bakura/

//Bakura to Ryou//

\Yugi to Yami\

\\Yami to Yugi\\

Seto to the Rescue! Chapter Five

Pixies and Fairies and Flying Elves, Oh My!

Seto was still dashing across the freeway when he heard a rumbling noise coming from his right.  He turned in that direction and finally noticed the huge eighteen-wheeler truck headed in his direction.  His eyes widened as he realized there was no possible way for him to move fast enough to keep from getting hit, and still the truck was moving closer… and closer… and closer…

^_________________________________________________________________________________^

DG grabbed something out of the box in her hand, then held it out to her "captive," who was avidly watching the TV screen. "Popcorn, Malik?"

"Sure," he answered, not taking his eyes off Seto's predicament.  DG glanced at the TV and grinned.  Malik held the box of popcorn towards Ryou. "Hey Ryou, don't you want any popcorn?"

"No thanks," the white-haired boy answered.  He looked suspiciously at his two companions. "Aren't you worried?"

DG answered with a bored yawn. "Not really.  Seto's an anime character.  He won't be hurt."

Malik glared at the authoress. "I'm an anime character, and I most certainly get hurt."

DG smirked. "Only because I want you to."

Rolling his eyes, Malik turned back to the TV, where the truck was STILL headed towards Seto. _'Geez… is this thing on slow motion?  Sure seems like it…'_  
^_________________________________________________________________________________^

_'Well, this is the end,' _Seto thought. _'I now have official reason to kill DG… if I ever get out of this alive, which I probably won't.  Hey, all those stories aren't true… my life _ISN'T_ flashing before my eyes.'_

Now the truck was only ten feet away and going to hit him within seconds.  Seto closed his eyes, waiting…

…then heard a giggle above him.  Looking up, he saw a pixy. _'What the heck… I must be hallucinating because I'm gonna die.'_

The pixy giggled again and threw some gold dust at Seto.  The boy blinked as it settled. _'Pixy dust?'_

The truck was still barreling towards our hero (HK: Hah!  Yeah right!).  Seto glanced towards the driver, who appeared to be asleep in front of the wheel.

"Hey!  Wake up!" Seto yelled.  With a start, the driver looked up and frantically tried to stop his truck.  However, it was too close, and Seto was about to be hit.

The CEO braced himself, closing his eyes to wait for the inevitable hit.  He would now die, hopefully with no pain…

The crash never came.

Seto opened his eyes, blinking in the darkness. _'Wait a minute… darkness?  It's 2:00!'_

Suddenly the sunlight was back again, and the truck was to Seto's left.  Unquestionably, he was still alive.

The pixy above him disappeared, to be replaced by a fairy.  The fairy grinned evilly, threw a silver powder at Seto, and disappeared.

"Okaay… that was strange," he said slowly.  Turning to his left, he winced at the loud CRASH! that was made as the truck hit a mysteriously appearing palm tree.

The doors to the back of the truck swung open, and Seto groaned as his least favorite fruit rolled out.  Even worse, there was a girl riding on a surfboard on top of the coconuts.

"Whee!" HK cried. "Hiya, Seto!"

Seto decided not to get out of the way. _'Hey, if a TRUCK went through me, a bunch of coconuts should be no problem!'_

Of course, that was what he thought.  When the first coconut bonked him on the head, there was definitely some pain, accompanied by the thought that DG was somehow behind this.

After Seto had been securely buried up to his chin in coconuts, HK slid to a stop, falling sideways and landing on her face. "Owww…" she hopped over to Seto. "What did you do that for?  Now I'll have to crash ANOTHER truck to get a decent ride!"

Seto glared at her. "I didn't expect tem to hit me.  Didn't that truck just pass through me?"

HK snickered. "That was because of the pixy dust.  The fairy dust cancelled it out."

"Pixies and fairies!  What's next, flying elves?" Seto looked up, just in time to see a blond elf with transparent wings fly above him.

"Finally – I have the Ring of Power!" he said.  HK giggled.

"Legolas from Lord of the Rings.  Guess DG couldn't help it.  Oh, well.  You should probably go off and rescue Isis now.  Bye!" With that, she hopped away, singing, "Boingie boingie boingity boingity boing!"

Seto sweatdropped. "Couldn't you be useful for once and dig me out?  HK?  Hey, HK!  HELP!"

Her voice floated back to him as she bounced off. "Dig yourself out!  Besides, you should be happy!  You caused a traffic jam!  I've always wanted to do that!"

"Hey!  I can't do this alone!"

"You won't!  DG will send more help!" Seto groaned at this.  DG's help never helped, it just caused a disaster.  Sighing, he went on to do the tedious task of throwing all the heaped coconuts away from him.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~One hour later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seto stood up, finally free of the restraining coconuts.  Stretching, he started walking to the other side of the freeway.  "I am NEVER using this road again!"

His resolution was reinforced when he stepped on a coconut and slipped.  He slid the rest of the way to the other side of the highway, finally stopping by hitting a pine tree with a loud CRASH!  He was immediately rained down upon by pinecones, but it was better than coconuts.  Grumbling, he said, "This day just CAN'T get any worse, can it?  I mean, kidnappings, fairies, flying elves, rolling coconuts, and crazy girls on surfboards?  My life is officially insane!"  
^_________________________________________________________________________________^

Isis was very nervous and VERY scared.  One wrong move now, and it would all be over… she glared at the man standing opposite her.  He was smirking, obviously assured of victory.

Closing her eyes, Isis drew. "YES!  I summon Maha Vailo and equip it with Axe of Despair, raising its attack power to 3050!  Attack the Meteor Dragon!" Her opponent's Life Points went immediately down to zero.

"I win again!  Do you give up yet?"

Another man stepped up to the table. "I'll duel you.  You won't find me such an easy opponent!"

Isis rolled her eyes. "Whatever.  Let's duel!"


	6. Say Hello to Cocriboh

Disclaimer: I don't own DDR or YGO or HK or anything.  I own nothing except for Cocriboh and myself.  And you can have Cocriboh if you want.

Seto to the Rescue! Chapter Six

Say Hello to Cocriboh

HK bounced into the TV room of DG's realm.  Looking up, Malik and Bakura grinned, holding up scorecards with "ten" on them.  The yami had emerged just in time to see the high and mighty Seto Kaiba get creamed by coconuts.

"That's for your coconut-surfing!" Bakura snickered.

Malik laughed. "AND for doing that to Kaiba!"

HK did a victory dance. "Thank you, thank you!"

DG glanced at her friend. "Stop it.  You're not good at anything but DDR.  Why didn't you ring the doorbell?"

HK shrugged. "It wasn't working for some reason."

"Hmm… maybe it needs REPAIRING…"

Ryou was clearly puzzled. "But you don't know how to fix it."

DG glared into empty space. "Exactly." A little "eep!" echoed through the room, which sounded oddly like her errant doorbell.  DG grinned. "It ought to be working now.  Anyone want to test it?"

Her question went unanswered as, on screen, Seto ran into an unexpected person.  Literally.  
^________________________________________________________^

Seto obviously hadn't been paying attention to where he was going, as he bumped into a familiar-looking multi-colored spiky haired person.  A very SHORT person.

Yugi Muto turned around, a smile bright on his face. "Hi Kaiba!  What are you doing here?  I thought you'd be working!"

"Not now," Seto grumbled. "DG gave me something else to do."

Yugi cocked his head, slightly puzzled. "Yami wants to duel you right now.  He hasn't had a good duel all day.  You WILL duel him, won't you?  It IS his birthday."

Seto was about to answer "YES!", but a high-pitched voice interrupted him. "He can't!  He's on a rescue mission!"

Yugi glanced around, but there was no one else in sight.  Yami separated from Yugi, also looking around. "Where did that voice come from?"

"Up here!" the voice chirped.  Everyone looked up and sweatdropped as what looked like a coconut fell from the sky and lodged in Yugi's hair.  On closer inspection, it WAS almost exactly like a coconut, except for Kuriboh-like eyes and feet. "My name's Cocriboh!  I'm DG's own personal made-up Duel Monster, and I'll be your guide in your quest to rescue Isis!"

Yami looked slightly worried. "Isis has been kidnapped?  We must hurry and rescue her!"

Cocriboh hopped off Yugi's head and faced Yami. "I'm sorry.  You're not allowed to help.  Seto must do this alone."

Strangely enough, Seto was reminded of one of Mokuba's video games.  A little image popped into his head of one of the game heroes saying, "I'm sorry.  Thank you for your offer of help, but this is my mission, and I must complete it alone."  Obviously, DG had the same game.

Yami, however, wasn't about to be left out of the fun.  He pulled a card out of his deck, showing it to the coconut Duel Monster. "If you let my aibou and me tag along, I'll let you have a date with my Kuriboh!"

Little stars appeared around the (now obviously female) Cocriboh's head. "REALLY?  WOW!  Sure, of course you can come along!  Anything for a date with dear sweet Kuriboh!"

DG's voice popped into all their heads. "Cocriboh!  You were supposed to say no!  I already promised you a date with MY Kuriboh!  And if you listen to Yugi, I'll let the Wretched Ghost of the Attic come after you!"

Cocriboh yelped. "No!  I'll do ANYTHING if you don't let that Wretched Ghost loose!" She turned to Seto, and, using one of her little paws, she grabbed him and floated away as fast as she could. "C'mon!  Gotta rescue Isis!  No time to waste!  Hurry hurry hurry!"

Yugi and Yami were left sweatdropping on the sidewalk. "Well," Yugi said slowly, "that was… strange…"

"I agree," Yami said, also puzzled. "I suppose we could ask DG…"

Yugi shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

And so Yugi Muto and Yami Yugi joined the party.  
^________________________________________________________^

Malik stared at DG. "You can't even control Duel Monsters you make up?"

She grinned. "Well, yes, actually.  I just like them to have personalities."

The Egyptian rolled his eyes. "Personalities… right."

HK glanced around, then said in a stage-whisper, "She can't control Duel Monsters at all!"

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't!"

"Let's duel and I'll show you!"

"Fine, but we'll use your deck!"

"HA!  You finally admit that your deck SUCKS!"

"No it doesn't!"

"Yes it does!"

Yugi rolled his eyes. "This'll take a while."


	7. The Bells of Copyright Violations

Pegasus-bashing warning for the rest of the story and a new character added.

Disclaimer: I own NOTHING.  Except for Cocriboh.  Hong-Ming owns herself, and the bells belong to Garth Nix.  Read the Abhorsen trilogy for more details.

Seto to the Rescue! Chapter Seven

The Bells of Copyright Violations

Cocriboh was pulling Seto west about as quickly as the coconut Duel Monster could go – which wasn't very fast.

"Hurry hurry hurry!" she chirped, all the while going about two miles an hour.  Seto sweatdropped as they passed by various Duel Monsters and people, all of whom grinned and waved with hands, paws, claws, or tails.  Some even yelled, "Hurry now, Kaiba!  Go rescue Isis!  Help him, Cocriboh!"

This left Seto wondering, _'How many friends does DG _HAVE?' Just as that thought entered his mind, a familiar-looking pink bunny hopped across the road, crying, "Hey Kaiba!  Hey Kaiba!  Hey Cocriboh!"

Cocriboh giggled. "Hey Funny Bunny!"

Seto glared at the little fuzzball. "I thought DG hated Pegasus."

Cocriboh shrugged. "She does, but she likes annoying you."

Just as she said that, Pegasus himself ran across the street, yelling, "No!  Nooo!  I don't want to go back!" Oddly enough, he was being chased by a girl, apparently another one of DG's friends.  Cocriboh grabbed the girl's sleeve, stopping her in her tracks. "Why are you chasing him?"

The girl blinked. "That's right.  Why AM I chasing him?" Seto sweatdropped, noticing for the first time the bandolier of seven bells that hung on her chest.

The girl drew the second to the last bell, which was also the second largest, and rang it, swinging it in an arc. "Oh, Maximillion Pegasus!" she called. "Obey me!"

Pegasus didn't stop running. "Nooo!  NOOO!!!  NEVER!!!!"

Tiny question marks appeared around the girl's head. "Why aren't the bells working?"

DG popped up in front of her and whispered something in her ear.  The other girl sweatdropped. "What?  The bells don't work in this world?  Why not?"

DG held up a finger, grinning. "Easy.  I'm the authoress.  It's copyright violation if they do work."

"Not even one?" the other girl whined.

"Fine.  Astarael." DG said.

"No, not Astarael.  Saraneth, so I can control Pegasus."

DG smirked. "Okay.  Saraneth it is, Amane."

"How many times do I have to tell you?  My name's not Amane!"

"Okay, Keiko," DG answered, grinning evilly as the other girl started scowling.

"Just call me Hong-Ming."

"But Amane sounds so much better!" DG protested.

"Whatever," Hong-Ming answered, ringing the bell again. "Maximillion Pegasus!  You will do as I tell you!"

Pegasus stopped in his tracks, his eyes glazing over. "Yes, mistress," he said tonelessly.

DG saw Seto staring at her and shrugged. "Saraneth the Binder binds Pegasus to her will.  Kinda like the Millennium Rod."

"I thought Pegasus was dead," Seto said.

DG grinned. "He is," she said mysteriously before disappearing into thin air again.

Hong-Ming glanced at Seto. "I think you should go rescue your girlfriend now," she chirped, as Seto bristled with anger. "Not much further now," she told him. "C'mon, Cocriboh.  Let's go join DG.  Oh, and Seto, my loyal servant Pegasus will be your guide."

Seto sweatdropped. "Why Pegasus?"

Hong-Ming's grin grew wider. "Because he's an idiot and no one'll care if he gets hurt.  Right, Pegsy?" she asked the man.

"That is true, mistress," he answered. "No one cares about me."

Seto shook his head. "Man, that mind-control thing is pretty much total, isn't it?"

Hong-Ming smiled. "Yup.  It's a lot better than the Millennium Rod for that.  Unfortunately, it doesn't work as well on living people."

"So Pegasus IS dead," Seto exclaimed. "How did DG bring him back?"

Suddenly, a voice came from the sky, accompanied by a roll of thunder. "Do not question the mystical powers of the authoress," it boomed.

Hong-Ming sweatdropped. "What she said.  That was an example of authoress powers, if you couldn't tell." Then, lower, she muttered, "Showoff." Shaking her head, she turned to Cocriboh. "C'mon, let's go."  The two disappeared.

Seto turned to Pegasus. "Well?  Aren't we going to go?"

"Yes," the dead guy answered mechanically. "Come.  Follow me to reach Isis."

Seto followed, once again wondering if life could get any stranger.  He was following a mind-controlled dead guy to the place where a girl he didn't care too much about was being held hostage.  Oh well.  Rescuing Isis was better than rescuing DG.


	8. The Final Frontier

Disclaimer: I think you know this already.  I own NOTHING that appears here except myself and Cocriboh.

Seto to the Rescue!  Chapter Eight

The Final Frontier

Hong-Ming ran into DG's realm, dragging Cocriboh along behind her. "Hello, everyone!" they chirped in unison.

Malik looked at her thoughtfully. "You can bring back dead people and control them?"

Hong-Ming grinned. "Yeah, but technically, they're still dead.  I can put them in any soulless body, and I was lucky that DG had somehow managed to find Pegasus, though I don't want to know how."

The authoress shrugged. "Authoress powers, plus it'll make for good torture later."

"Can you teach me how to use those bells?" Malik asked.

Hong-Ming glanced at him. "Maybe.  Why?"

"So I can raise an army of Dead to stalk the Pharaoh." Yami glared at him, while Bakura burst out laughing.  Ryou and Yugi just rolled their eyes.

"If that's your plan, count me in!" the tomb robber chuckled.

HK and DG shared a glance, then grinned evilly. "There are better ways to find stalkers than by raising the dead…"

No one got to find out what they meant by that, as Ryou asked, "What about Isis?"

DG glanced at him. "What about her?"

Yugi blinked. "That's right.  Seto STILL hasn't rescued her.  And it must be dangerous, if the only person you'll allow as his guide is a dead guy you don't care about…"

HK grinned, swinging her finger at Yugi and Ryou. "Tsk tsk.  Haven't you two figured it out yet?"

Both boys blinked. "Huh?"

"It's Pegasus because DG wants to make it SEEM dangerous," Hong-Ming explained. "He'll be in for a pleasant – or unpleasant, depending on how you look at it – surprise when he rescues Isis."

"Besides," DG continued, "we can have some Pegsy-torture when he's done his job." All three girls grinned evilly, and Yugi, Yami, Ryou, Bakura, and Malik all shuddered.

"I don't envy Pegasus at all right now," Yami muttered, and the rest of the boys nodded agreement.  
^___________________________________________________________^

As Seto followed a skipping Pegasus down the street, he wondered idly if the Millennium Rod could control him this well.  He'd have to ask Malik.

His guide abruptly slid to a stop in front of a tall building. "This is the place!" he sang. Seto sweatdropped. "Isis is in the basement."

_'Someone really needs to give him voice lessons,'_ Seto thought. He said aloud, "What'll you be doing, O Master of the Flying Horses?"

Pegasus giggled – a very disturbing sound. "I'll be in the park!  I'm gonna catch me some pink bunnies, like Funny Bunny!" With that, he hopped away.

Seto sighed, shaking his head. _'Why must all my guides be so STRANGE?'_

Walking into the building, he found two guards lounging around a door.  They sprang up immediately, yelling, "Halt!  Or we'll-"

One guard turned to the others. "Umm… what WILL we do?"

The other guard shrugged. "I dunno.  Threats aren't exactly my strong point."

A tick mark appeared on Seto's forehead. "Shut up and get out of my way.  I don't have time for this."

Both guards jumped at that. "Stop, or we'll… um…"

Seto sighed, walking towards the two guards.  A couple good punches, and Seto was opening the door that led to the stairs.  The guards were sprawled out on the floor, stars dancing around their heads.

"Hey," one guard groaned, "I know what to do."

"Save it for the next intruder," the other moaned as they both passed out on the floor.  
^___________________________________________________________^

A few minutes (and about twenty KO'd guards) later, Seto reached a locked door, supposedly leading into the room where they were keeping Isis.  He rammed into the door several times, until it fell in and he could see inside.

Isis and the last of her kidnappers looked up from the two dueling mats spread out before them.  Upon seeing the famous Seto Kaiba, the kidnapper abruptly fainted.  Isis glanced down at him, then back up at Seto.  She smiled slightly.

"Oh, Kaiba, hi.  I just won again," she said, gesturing at the dueling mats and the man on the floor.  Seto stared at her in disbelief. "Wanna duel me?"

Seto looked around the room, noticing the empty glass of lemonade and opened booster packs scattered everywhere.  As giant tick marks appeared all over his face, he stormed outside, yelling, "DG!  I'll kill you!"

Isis blinked. "Was it something I said?"


	9. Epilogue

So here it is: the epilogue to _Seto to the Rescue!_  I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did.

Disclaimer: If you don't know it by now, I worry about you.  I'll say it one last time: all I own is Cocriboh and myself.

Seto to the Rescue!  Epilogue

The Rescue Party

A few weeks after the incident, all the kidnappers had been caught and brought to jail.  DG said they deserved it, if they were idiotic enough to do whatever she told them.  She also made sure to erase their minds, so they didn't remember what she did.  Unfortunately, she went a little too far back, and they were currently acting like five-year-olds.  Seto was still mad about DG's little joke, and Isis was in the dark about what really happened.  Malik STILL didn't have the Millennium Rod back, and, true to her word, DG had given Cocriboh her date with Kuriboh, though she and HK were very fond of spreading around rumors that Kuriboh would dump the coconut monster.  Cocriboh didn't believe a word of it, though.

"My dear Kuriboh wouldn't do that!" she'd squeal, all the while glomping the poor fuzzball.  Hong-Ming sweatdropped.

"At this rate, she'll suffocate him before he dumps her," she whispered to HK.  The other girl nodded agreement.

Shortly after the kidnappers were caught, DG, HK, and Hong-Ming decided to hold a party for all the good guys who were involved.  They called it a "rescue party," though, as Seto grumbled, it was a little late for that.

So, fifteen days after Isis was "rescued," she, Seto, Yugi, Yami, Ryou, Bakura, Malik, and Cocriboh were all invited to a party in DG's realm, courtesy of the three girls.  Isis said Malik didn't want to go, having gained an irrational fear of coconuts, but DG and HK forced him to come anyway.

"Someone remind me just WHY I'm doing this?" Malik grumbled. "I have the strangest feeling I'm being stalked."

Everyone else started snickering.  Malik turned around quickly to see what was so funny, but there was nothing there.  Puzzled, he shrugged, obviously not aware of the coconut following behind him.

Malik's obvious hatred of coconuts had come into light a few minutes ago, when DG had summoned about twenty to swarm around him.  When he hit them, they bounced back and hit HIM.

Tired of trying to find out what had everyone laughing, Malik flopped down onto a beanbag.  The stalking coconut, since it couldn't follow behind him anymore, started floating above him.  Malik shot up like a rocket, and the coconut moved behind him again. "DG!"

The ensuing laughter was cut short when Seto screamed.  As everyone looked around, a pink bunny hopped into view.  Seto's eyes widened as DG picked it up.

"I must've forgotten to change you back into a coconut," she commented, grinning.

"No!  Funny Bunny!  Wait!" a voice yelled.  Pegasus ran forward and grabbed the rabbit.  It jumped, and Pegasus bent down to pick it up, just in time to be hit by the spell DG had aimed at the pink bunny.  Blinking, Pegasus changed into a coconut.

As everyone stared at her, DG grinned. "Well, we DID want some Pegasus-bashing…"

HK shrugged. "It's more fun if he's human." With a loud POOF, he was human again, except for the pink bunny tail and ears.

Hong-Ming snickered, pulling out Saraneth. "Pegasus!  Chase your tail!"

"Yes, mistress!" He immediately began chasing his cottontail, his pink ears flopping around.

Yami turned to DG. "You said you could find enough people to stalk me without most of them being dead.  What did you mean by that?"

She grinned. "You really want to know?"

Yami gulped. "…no."

"Too late!" HK chirped.  She pulled a card out of her pocket. "I summon The Hordes of Screaming Fangirls!  In attack mode!" Immediately, they appeared, running after Yami and glomping him.

"Nicely done," Hong-Ming commented.

"Thank you," HK answered. "Um… DG?  Can I have Malik?  Since you're done with him?"

"Sure, have him," the authoress said, grabbing the Egyptian and shoving him towards her friend. "I don't need him anymore, I have the Millennium Rod, and you gave me Ryou."

"Yay!" HK squealed, hugging Malik.

"Make sure to come visit me and Ryou sometime!" DG giggled, before turning back to Pegasus. "Hey, Pegsy!  Go jump off a cliff!  But make sure you're tied to the top with a rope around your ankle.  We don't want you dead again before we're ready."

"Yes, mistress."

"And get us some candy!" Hong-Ming yelled after him.

"Yes, mistress."

And so the story ends.  DG and HK have each taken possession of their favorite characters.  Yami is being glomped by an infinite number of screaming fangirls, Malik is being stalked by a coconut, and Pegasus is being tortured.  Everyone's having a good time, though, unknown to everyone but the three hostesses and Ryou, Yugi, and Malik, DG spiked the punch.

I'll just let you guess what happens next.

^____________________________~

The end!


End file.
